When we think of "Rescue," we imagine saving a loved from from eminent danger, like a fire or a rushing car! These are authentic rescues.
However, an Emotional Rescue is different.
It's a form of care-taking, a very insidious one, because it looks like love.
In the Emotional Rescue, there is always someone who is afraid to speak their truth.
The reason this form of rescue is dangerous is that it almost always looks like LOVE.
Here are some tell tale phrases:
"I was only trying to help."
"I didn't think he/she could handle the truth."
"I didn't want to hurt his/her feelings."
"I don't want to upset him/her...it's only a little thing."
It's better to keep the peace and let it go."
And, "I didn't really want to do that, but I did it out of obligation."
Of course, you get the idea. The person speaking is withholding their true feelings out of fear of repercussion. We call them the "Rescuer."
Their strategy renders the other powerless, stupid, and unable to act best in their own behalf.
We call them the "Victim."
The victim will often feel the power imbalance, feel hurt and angry, and will end up persecuting the Rescuer, sometimes on an unconscious level.
Study the triangle below on the left...it is often called the "drama triangle. We think it could be a circle as the positions are so fluid.
This an anatomy of a fight.
What are your "favorite rescues?"
We certainly have ours!
Become aware of them and see if you can stop them before they start.
Re-read the definition of "Rescue."
Allow your partner or friend the dignity of coming to their own solutions and solving their own mistakes.
Either wait to be asked for help or...
ask permission before giving advice or jumping in to take over.
Rescue is actually a kinky form of control, a one up/one down situation, in which no one is a powerful equal in the relationship.
CLUE: If you are Rescuing or being Rescued, a tell tale physical sign is what we call a "little glitch of resentment in your chest."
Pay attention, become aware of rescues, and head them off at the pass.
You will be well on your way to
"Creating Love That Lasts!"
what is one of the greatest blocks to a loving relationship?
Stay tuned for our answer! It's not what you might expect...and, there are no wrong answers!
New Years Visioning:
Our Gift to You!
We want to give you a New Year gift, one that has created miracles in our lives!
We call it "Visioning."
It's a fantastic way to start the New Year.
Anybody can do it, and there are no promises to keep, no "resolutions."
We don't know about you, but the word "resolution" feels like an "ought to."
It feels like a "should," and very few of us like “shoulds."
We like to say "don't should on yourself!"
The difference about Visioning vs. Resolutions is that there are no "shoulds."
You can let your imagination run free.
Imagine that there are no time or financial limits...
Now, ask yourself, "What do you want? Really want?
Notice how it feels in your gut when you simply want something without the voice that says, "Yes, but..."
Here's an example from our lives...
For years, we wanted our Houseboat, and we had no idea how we could ever achieve it.
Still, every time we went to the lake we looked at all the Houseboats, we fantasized about the features we wanted in our fantasy Houseboat.
We had a great time being excited about how neat it would be to have a floating house on the water that we motor out to our favorite hillside or beach.
We "went on the fantasy ride" together. It was fun. It was Play!
And, every year for four years, we wrote our Houseboat vision on our visioning sheets.
We had no idea how we would achieve our dream.
Then one day, we got the unexpected news that Orv was getting a small inheritance. We danced for joy!
Guess what the first thing we bought was?
....our Houseboat, TAWANDA!
We paid cash and got a great deal!
We have it and love it to this day.
So, here is how Visioning works!
Get out at least 13 blank pages, and write the title of the areas of life that are most important to YOU..
Then go to your separate spaces, and write on each page what you want for the year, regarding those areas.
Finally, come together and see where you have the same desires.
Now you can go "on the ride" together, playing like children.
And, of course, it’s o.k.to have yur own, separate desires, as well!
It's amazing what may actually manifest.
When you are done, file away your Visioning Sheets till next year.
When you get the sheets out again, you can see what you have achieved, what you want to continue to put on your visioning sheets for next year, and what isn't true for you any longer.
Here are some of the titles we use:
1. My Life Purpose
2. Children and Family
5. Home Environment
6. Major Purchases
7. Personal Goals
8. Physical Fitness and Health
10. Sexual and Sensual
Feel free to use some or all of these, or make up your own.
First on our Visioning Sheets this year is a Hot Tub!!!
During the Holiday Season, many couples and singles feel stressed, overwhelmed or alone and depressed.
We understand. There are so many societal "rules" about how one should "Feel, Be and Do."
For you couples out there and close to us, take time to put yourselves first.
Understand that "obligations" are not "have to's." Negotiate win/wins for each of you.
If you are visiting relatives (Yarghhhhh.....can be sticky) have an escape route planned if either of you feels uncomfortable.
Remember, you don't have to go into debt to express love and caring. Find creative ways to tell your loved ones how important they are in your life.
For singles, or those who feel alone, there are alternatives. Ask to join friends...volunteer at a food bank or an organization that feeds the hungry.
Again, Society tells us how to feel.
These are "Emotionally Loaded" times.
We are already overloaded with television advertisements telling us how we
should feel, do and be."
Take time for you,
treat yourself as the special loving person that you are.
Or...if you need one on one support, you can call us for a private session, either in person, on the phone or Skype.
We'd love to be here for you whenever you need us.
WE JUST CAN'T COMMUNICATE!
Have you ever heard this phrase or even said it to your partner?
In my 34 years of working with couples, I've heard it thousands of times. It's one of the most frustrating issues couples struggle with, and there's a great of truth to what they're saying.
Did you ever stop to think that women and men do, indeed, speak very different languages! Both sexes think we understand what the other is saying, but do we really??
Have you ever traveled to a country and didn't understand the "foreign language" very well? I believe this is a regular occurrence between men and women. After all, we're both speaking English aren't we? My answer is, well, yes and no. I believe we do speak English and men and women both have their own versions that I call "Women-ese" and "Man-ese". Most of the clients Maeve and I have worked with have not realized that there is, in fact, a difference.
I'll give you a simple example. Since many woman are trained not to ask for what they want, they will suggest or ask “around” a request, to avoid being turned down. For example, a woman might say to her man, "Wouldn't it be nice if the window was closed?” Now the man will hear the question and think he's responding to her question by saying, "Yes, that would be great." The woman may feel unheard or ignored since she was actually trying to ask her man to close the window for her. If she asked another woman, in the same way, the other woman would have understood and immediately closed the window.
What I really need from Maeve is a clear, direct and loving request so that I can give her exactly what she wants. I go nuts when I can’t figure out how to please her, if she’s not asking for exactly what she wants.
Man-ese is hard for Maeve to understand when she's helping me with a construction project. She's holding a bolt that I want her to insert into two boards that I'm holding, with the holes aligned for the bolt. I'll say, "OK, put the thing in the thing." Most men would know exactly what to do, but Maeve looks at me with this perplexed look on her face and most likely will say, "What do you mean?" It was clear to me and probably most other men, but I didn't communicate in a way that made sense to her. I think visually and figure she will do the same.
Want to learn a new language? Maeve and I are master communicators and can give you simple tools to learn each other's language so you'll be able to communicate to each other with whole new levels of understanding, connection and intimacy.
Remember when you could talk intimately for hours?
Remember when sex was hot and juicy?
Remember when you couldn't wait to be together?
Remember when you only saw Perfection in each other?
It seemed you were meant for each other for a lifetime!
Your relationship and your sex life have become routine and dull.
You may be walking on eggshells,
Unable to express what you are truly feeling and thinking.
Perhaps you are feeling resentful, angry, distant.
Sound all too familiar?
What happened to that excitement and passion?
Do you feel powerless
and not know how to get back
to the way it was in the beginning?
We KNOW there is a way back.
You CAN re-ignite Your Relationship!
Let us be your tour guides
back to love and connection,
And "Love That Lasts."
LISTENING WITH LOVE
Can you imagine sitting still, quieting your mind, making eye contact and really listening with your whole being to what is being said? Can you imagine not creating a defense or a “come back” in your mind while you listen?
Can you imagine what you will hear, under and around "the words"?
Can you hear the entire, or Meta-Communication, where we said that words are only 10-15% of the whole communication? Tone, volume and body language make up the greatest part of what is really being said.
When we slow down, quiet our minds, let our eyes connect with our partner's eyes and listen deeply, we can finally hear the entire communication, especially the feelings. And then, there is room for true understanding, compassion and validation.
We believe that the best communication starts with the intention to really understand and be understood. It begins with listening with LOVE..
We take time to re-fuel or
"re-create" our relationship. It always pays off big time. Some of you may call this recreation. We call it "Re-Creation."
We put the world behind us, dive into the beauty of nature and create romance. Last night we had a candle lit dinner under the full moon, on the lake. We re-discovered who we are as lovers, friends and most of all, a team!
Without this "time out of time" for ourselves, we could not do the work we offer to you.
We walk our talk.
So, make a short list of things the two of you enjoy together. Take time out just for you as a couple.
It's great modeling for the kids, as well.
How do you play?
We call "re-creation" a special kind of intimacy.
Let us know how it goes for you...we'd love to hear!
Big love from
Maeve and Orv Fry, Relationship Igniters
When I'm bare footing I feel safe and comfortable because I know, after years, I trust my driver and beloved wife, Maeve. She knows exactly how to drive to keep me "in the groove."
Building trust in relationship is every bit as important and, indeed, fragile.
Trust is a function of time. It takes time to build trust! This is especially true if trust has been broken and one's heart is hurt or angry.
Rebuilding trust is simple, but often, not easy. The key to trust building is repeating the required new action or behavior over and over until your partner feels safe and comfortable enough to let his or her emotional guard down. Only then can new trust be established.
I'm often asked, "Well, how long will it take?" My answer is, "It will take as long as it takes!" There is no magical time frame. I wish there was!
I believe we all want to be seen at our deepest emotional and spiritual levels. We all need to know we'll be safe from betrayal and pain. Trust is truly Fragile!
The greatest GIFT OF LOVE you can give a beloved
is YOUR TRUTH in the moment..
It takes a "warrior of the heart" to risk telling your most intimate truth.
Yet, it is the way to deepest heart connection and emotional intimacy.
There is an art to sharing your vulnerable truth.
Stay in your heart, and use "I feel" and "I want" statements.
Avoid saying what you don't want.
Your beloved is then empowered to give you what you want...they can't give you what you don't want.
Yet I can't tell you how many times we hear clients spend precious time
telling their partners what they don't want.
We watch the listening partner shrink, withdraw and "go down'."
And, when they hear the TRUTH of what is wanted, they light up, their faces relax
and connection happens.
Try it...hold hands, connect with your eyes and tell your truth.
"I want...more time with you...your attention...understanding...more touch..."
What do YOU WANT right now?
What is your truth in this very moment?
Maeve and Orv Fry
WHO ARE MAEVE & ORV FRY?